Conan The Barbarian (2011) Review

The current release of Conan The Barbarian is a remake of the character from the Conan The Barbarian created by Robert E. Howard. It’s not really a remake of the 1982 movie, but instead a retelling of the myth of Conan The Barbarian. This was a good move for the movie producers because the story of the 1982 movie has been long forgotten for many people. The only legacy that remains with the people who remember the 1982 version is the actor who played the title role who was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now was this 2011 movie any good?
 The movie is called Conan the Barbarian. How good can a movie entitled Conan the Barbarian really be?

The Story.
This is a typical “my family and tribe was killed by this person who wants to rule the world, so I’m going to get revenge” type of movie. There is nothing else more to the story. This premise has been a common theme in movies since the development of talking pictures. Like all movies of this genre, there’s a female character in the middle of the hunt for my family killer with whom the main character falls in love. Needless to say, it was a very predictable movie.

The Characters.
The main character is Conan the Barbarian. He’s a barbarian. What else needs to be said? With a character whose title is “barbarian”, you know that there is no real dynamic range of the acting. Did Jason Momoa do a good portayal of Conan? Well, he looked like a barbarian, but his acting was pretty much at the level of a barbarian.

Though there were many other characters I can about in this movie, I just want to talk about the two main female characters. One female character was on the protagonist’s side and the other was on the antagonist’s side. What I hated about these characters is that they talked like they were raised on beach in California. The movie is set in an archaic alternate universe. Everyone’s understanding of archaic times is old Europe or old Middle East, so sounding like you were raised on a beach in California makes no sense whatsoever. The voice and their terrible acting were laughable.

The Special Effects.
The special effects of this movie is a “been there, done that”. If you’re going to remake a movie, then tell a compelling story. If there really isn’t a compelling story, then give the audience amazing effects. So it begs the question, if your story was lame and the special effects were ordinary, why would anyone want to remake this movie?

The Rating.
This movie was like watch bad players on a terrible team. You’re disgusted at their execution but you’re also slightly amused by the whole by the whole hot mess that is happening. So, my rating is DVD/TV. This movie is only good when you and your friends want to watch a cheesy for the laughs. You may want to rent it for that purpose, but if want a good movie to watch, this isn’t it. If you and your friends are hanging out at your house and want to watch a stupid movie, then this is it.

Why, oh, why did a movie company spend $90 million to make this movie, I don’t know, but by the way things look, it doesn’t look like they be making that much money from it.